This anticipation is Killing me

In the darkness of my own thoughts I think of the future. The void of the unknown. No matter how much I think about the future it will never be the way I imagine. It might just end up being completely everything that I have ever wanted, but at the same time it could be absolutely unexpected and my whole world can change in a second. Everyday you ask me to marry you.. You tell me everyday how much you love me and want to be with me forever, but how can I be sure of such a big commitment? How can I know for sure that in five months you're going to move in with me into our little one bedroom apartment? How do I know that we will have three kids? I know we both dream about it constantly, and I think that might be what keeps me going. I'm stuck in this life of what ifs and why nots.. and that is what keeps me going. Try to imagine the future for me.. Take a deep breath and close your eyes. What are you strongest desires? I know mine is having children. I will forever be anticipating the look on your eyes as you stare at our beautiful baby girl on the first day of her precious life. To me space is my future. No matter how much time I am wasting thinking about my future It'll will never end that way. Maybe to some extent I am correct, but I never want to think about the bad. I am afraid of how much I will have to endure and how much I will have to sacrafice and lose. I am optimistic and I never want to think about what could happen in the future. So this is my spot of space. My little place in heaven.