Memories

Don't remember the bad times, because they aren't worth the brain space. One day you will get old and your brain will be so full that it will just start leaking. I wanna be the kind of old lady that wears cheetah print leggings and goes to rock concerts with pink hair. I want to party my life away and fill my brain full with as many good memories as I can. Seriously why waste space on lonliness and heart break?

Peace and Quiet

  Isolation is my serenity...

I am afraid...

I am afraid.... I am afraid of the dark and what is in the dark. I am almost 18 years old but I am a little kid again screaming, "Mommy check under the bed!!" I am afraid of that man, that scary old man that I once knew and was so close to. He haunts my dreams. Mommy says he is gone far away and he isn't coming back... But he comes back every night and haunts me. I can't sleep at night. I can't remember the last time I slept the whole night through without waking up in a cold sweat. I learned to sleep all by myself, I wasn't a good teacher though because I still wake up sometimes. Sometimes I wake up more than 20 times a night.

I'm afraid to be myself, to wear the clothes that I think are cute and arent from vogue. I am afraid to sing around people. I love to sing, but I know they will judge me because I am not Christina Agulera. I am afraid to express myself, even on this page where very few know who I am. I am afraid of trying new things. I created a bucket list so that I would burst out of my comfort zone and learn to not be afraid. I want to go skydiving. I want to be able to take that jump. Take any jump actually. But I am afraid. I am afraid of death. I am afraid that I will die and I wouldn't have truely LIVED my life. I ask myself that everyday.. Are we living our lives? Or are we just existing? I don't want to just exist. I want to live, but I am afraid. I am afraid no one will help me with my bucket list. I am afraid to have friends because what if they don't like me or get annoyed of me? I would rather not have friends and be alone then to make friends and have them leave me. I am afraid to leave this fall and move to somewhere I've never been. I am afraid because I've never left home. I am a baby bird about to jump out of the nest for the first time. What if I can't fly? I know my brothers and sisters can, but what if I can't? What if I fall to the earth and no one is there to catch me? I am afraid.

I want to dance, but I know I'm not the best. All growing up you hear you will never be the best so just try your hardest. Like that is supposed to encourage me. It just brings me down. Dance was the one place that I never cared. I could be myself and I was not afraid. But then I grew up. I grew up to know I am not the best. Dance is not a way to escape the world. It is a place where I can be most vulnerable now. People are only staring at me. Me as myself. When I dance I dont pretend. I am only me. But now I am afraid. I am afraid that they are judging me and that I am not the best. I am not perfect.. and that makes me afraid. My world has changed. I am not the most afraid doing what I love. The one thing I was never afraid to do now makes me panic. Isn't that life though?

I am afraid of spiders. They are creepy and crawly and one second they are there and then they disappear and I can never see them again. They hide and that makes me afraid. I don't kill spiders, they are creatures. I let them live. I close my eyes or I leave the room so I can't see them anymore. I hope they don't come back. If I don't see them then I forget they are there. But they scare me sometimes. Where do they come from? They are just always there. And that makes me afraid.

I am afraid to love. I watch people do it all the time. But what if it doesn't work for me? I want to be married and nothing else. How do I know this guy is different and he won't cheat on me? I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid because I know what it feels like. I am afraid to jump. That simple fear that keeps reacurring in my life. All I need to do is take a giant leap of faith. Just one little step. But I can't.. because I am afraid...

.... I am afraid.

I'm thinking about you.

I'm thinking about you like scars think about their past. Like stomach lining thinks about large amounts of alcohol. Like needles think about heroin. I'm thinking about you like bullets think about guns. Like vultures think about the dead. Like children think about murderers in the dark. 

I'm thinking about you like bodies think about their graves.  Like wrists think about razors and bleeding. I'm thinking about you like prescriptions think about being abused. Like ships think about sinking. Like grenades think about exploding. Like earthquakes think about destroying things.

I'm thinking about you like clowns think about killing. Like sinners think of their next offense. Like arsons think about burning.
I'm thinking about you like the devil think about his next victim...

I'm thinking about you like drugs don't think.

Dance for passion, dance for love

I could just get lost in the music for hours. Dance takes away all the pain and stress from the world out there. Dance is my escape. Dance is my drug. It's my heroin. You just blast the music and turn and turn and turn for ever. No one is there to judge you or tell you what you're doing wrong. I just get so into my own world. I get bruised and beaten up by my own body against the floor. Pushing myself harder than I should. But I can't help it. It's my passion. I'm broken and beaten down, I shouldn't dance my doctor says.. But little does he know that every time I hear those words I die inside. How can I be told not to dance?! That's like being told I'm not allowed to breathe... I need it. I'm addicted to the release it gives me and the pain it leaves me with.. Dance is my drug..

What is love?

 

Honestly, I can't explain love.. Love is happiness, love is butterflies in your stomach. Love is buying HIM roses because you care. Love is not defined, nor are there rules. Love can be whatever you want. You can give him puppies or staples. Give him staples for heavens sakes. FREAKING STAPLES!!! and He'll love the thought that you are crazy and were thinking about him. Is love really falling head over heels for someone? I don't think so, because we already stand head over heels. I fall heels over head for guys. Love is that mutual understanding of not wanting to hurt each other. Its moving hours and hours away from your home for her while she goes to college. Love is thinking about him everyday and never getting tired of the thought. Love is putting everything aside to spend time with this person. Many song writers have tried to explain it so here are their words
 .




...What is love? Baby don't hurt me... Don't hurt me.. No more..
...I just need somebody to love.
...I love you like crazy, girl.
...And IIIIIIIIIIII... will always LOOOOOVVEEE you.
...Baby, I'm not asking for the world... Just love and affection.
...Moving my lips to breathe her name
...I would if I could, I'd do anything spontaneously.
...What hurts the most, was being so close. And letting you walk away..
...You forgave and I won't forget.
...Fully Alive, more than most.
   Ready to smile and love life.
...I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain,
   And it's 2am and I'm cursing your name,
   You're so in love that you act insane.

 

So there you have it. Love songs from other people. Songs telling stories. And songs telling lies. Love is not defined... Love is in your mind. 

If you don't like what I write, then stop reading my blog. Because this is me and this is how I think :) 
-Alice Liddell 
 
















 
  Love Is Blind

Mans Best Friend

A dog doesn't care how late you were out last night or who you were with.  A dog will jump on you the second you walk through the door.  A dog doesn't judge you for your past or your future.  A dog has the most pure heart and its the only creature that loves you more than it loves itself.  A dog will love you unconditionally.  A dog can sense when you are sad.  When you cry a dog doesn't laugh at you or ask why.  A dog will cuddle up to you and listen to your problems while he licks your face to show you he cares.  And I think we all should take a second out of our busy lives and remember our dogs.  Go take your dog for a walk because they will love the time with you.  Dogs don't live forever and they definitwly don't live as long as we do.  So remember your dog before its too late.

Being Alive

Breathing, your lungs expanding and collapsing. Heart pumping, blood circulating through your veins. Palms sweating as your voice nervously cracks under the pressure. Don't ruin this.. Whatever you do don't mess this one up. there he is, walking down the hall. You know he'll say hi to you because that's what he does. He's friendly like that. Almost dreamy in a way. You long for him. Your bones ache to see him. He's the only reason you wake up and go to work every morning. Just for that one hello. You wanna say more. You want to see him outside of work. You long for that first date with him. But you don't say anything. You say hello and go on with your day because that is what humans do and you are just trying to belong.