I am afraid...

I am afraid.... I am afraid of the dark and what is in the dark. I am almost 18 years old but I am a little kid again screaming, "Mommy check under the bed!!" I am afraid of that man, that scary old man that I once knew and was so close to. He haunts my dreams. Mommy says he is gone far away and he isn't coming back... But he comes back every night and haunts me. I can't sleep at night. I can't remember the last time I slept the whole night through without waking up in a cold sweat. I learned to sleep all by myself, I wasn't a good teacher though because I still wake up sometimes. Sometimes I wake up more than 20 times a night.

I'm afraid to be myself, to wear the clothes that I think are cute and arent from vogue. I am afraid to sing around people. I love to sing, but I know they will judge me because I am not Christina Agulera. I am afraid to express myself, even on this page where very few know who I am. I am afraid of trying new things. I created a bucket list so that I would burst out of my comfort zone and learn to not be afraid. I want to go skydiving. I want to be able to take that jump. Take any jump actually. But I am afraid. I am afraid of death. I am afraid that I will die and I wouldn't have truely LIVED my life. I ask myself that everyday.. Are we living our lives? Or are we just existing? I don't want to just exist. I want to live, but I am afraid. I am afraid no one will help me with my bucket list. I am afraid to have friends because what if they don't like me or get annoyed of me? I would rather not have friends and be alone then to make friends and have them leave me. I am afraid to leave this fall and move to somewhere I've never been. I am afraid because I've never left home. I am a baby bird about to jump out of the nest for the first time. What if I can't fly? I know my brothers and sisters can, but what if I can't? What if I fall to the earth and no one is there to catch me? I am afraid.

I want to dance, but I know I'm not the best. All growing up you hear you will never be the best so just try your hardest. Like that is supposed to encourage me. It just brings me down. Dance was the one place that I never cared. I could be myself and I was not afraid. But then I grew up. I grew up to know I am not the best. Dance is not a way to escape the world. It is a place where I can be most vulnerable now. People are only staring at me. Me as myself. When I dance I dont pretend. I am only me. But now I am afraid. I am afraid that they are judging me and that I am not the best. I am not perfect.. and that makes me afraid. My world has changed. I am not the most afraid doing what I love. The one thing I was never afraid to do now makes me panic. Isn't that life though?

I am afraid of spiders. They are creepy and crawly and one second they are there and then they disappear and I can never see them again. They hide and that makes me afraid. I don't kill spiders, they are creatures. I let them live. I close my eyes or I leave the room so I can't see them anymore. I hope they don't come back. If I don't see them then I forget they are there. But they scare me sometimes. Where do they come from? They are just always there. And that makes me afraid.

I am afraid to love. I watch people do it all the time. But what if it doesn't work for me? I want to be married and nothing else. How do I know this guy is different and he won't cheat on me? I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid because I know what it feels like. I am afraid to jump. That simple fear that keeps reacurring in my life. All I need to do is take a giant leap of faith. Just one little step. But I can't.. because I am afraid...

.... I am afraid.